I’ve spent a lot of time trying to process the fact that for me there will be no more babies. That my body particularly my kidneys can’t handle another pregnancy.
That my kidneys are failing. Like #toteslegit failing.
But I am so grateful. I know how lucky I am to have two beautiful children. So trust me when I say I am so grateful. I’m grateful every day. I’m grateful that although both Oliver & Isla were premmies that they are both healthy. Grateful that I got all those extra hours & days with them. Grateful that the c-sec meant a healthy arrival.
But it doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t break. Some days I don’t think about no more babies, or failing kidneys, or dialysis & then other days I cry; you know ugly-hiding-in-you-bathroom crying. I cry that I will never know what labor feels like, or a contraction, or to experience pushing a baby out a la natural or to hold my baby straight after they were born. I cry there will be no more newborns. I cry that during the early months when Isla was a newborn that I hated listening to her scream. That reflux robbed me of calm newborn cuddles. Or that one day my children will have to see my really sick before I get really better.
But I am so grateful. I have written and rewritten this post so many times. Mostly because I don’t want to come across as an ungrateful mother. Most days I do feel like I’ve dealt with all those feelings. I’m trying to be mindful and I’ve been seeing a physiologist for over a year. Most days I am okay with it all. But tonight when I came across this beautiful photo of my darling Isla I balled my freaking eyes out! IG is such a funny world. So many beautiful connections & a great way to express creativity. But IG and the digital world is just another pressure in our lives. Even if we try not to let it, it is there every day.
I try to show it all. I mean I show the ugly (did you see my stories tonight 🐛😱😳) but I don’t always wear my heart on my sleeve. So here it is. My heart on my sleeve. ❤