Author: emmyoneill

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Rock by rock. Day by day.

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

I’ve always had the mentally of when life knocks you down you get back up again. I don’t know if that’s because from the moment I arrived in this world I had to fight to be here. I had to fight for my life. I had to fight to be alive. ⁣I was born a fighter. ⁣

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But these last few weeks I’ve got a bit over all of that. Over the fight. Having a chronic illness with no cure only treatments is a constant mental battle of falling down & building yourself back up. And I’ve fallen at the moment. I think it’s because I’m coming to up one year on dialysis next week. That’s over 100 times on the machine. If I being totally honestly with myself I thought I would have a kidney by now. All the doctors keep saying “oh yes your young, with your blood time it will be a short weight time”. Well I have to say it doesn’t feel like a short time. It feels like eternity. ⁣

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I’ve stopped waiting for my phone to ring. I think I’m now at the point where I think it will never ring. I’m also at the point where I know I shouldn’t whinge as there are many people worse off than me. I’m still alive. I can still do so many things; just not the way I want to do them. Just not on my terms. And I get so cranky & brutally tired. That’s the hardest part; that I don’t get to be the mother I want to be. But again I get to be a mother. So I’m very grateful. ⁣

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I think the greatest gift I will ever give my children is showing them that no matter what your circumstances, no matter what life throws in your way you can always build yourself back up. ⁣

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And so. Rock by rock. Moment by moment..Day by day. I start to rebuild. Emmy Xx

Just a little lighter…

by emmyoneill, posted in FITNESS

Just the happy face of a girl who has officially lost 16 KILOGRAMS!! ⁣⁣

And whilst I’ve been saying all along it’s not about the weight… Hitting a milestone like 16KGS is definitely worth celebrating! ⁣⁣

I think it’s worth reminding myself & everyone reading this post that it has taken me over thirteen months to lose this weight. (No one week skinny teas here)…

I started over a year ago doing one swim a week & one yin yoga a week. I slowly built up my own confidence and fitness. Adding in more swimming & more yoga & then eventually boxing & HIIT classes. I’ve been seeing a GP & a dietitian. I track my calories. I manage my macros. I count my steps. I think mindfully about why food am about to eat. I meal plan. I mean prep. I eat a rainbow everyday! I work weekly with my amazing P.T Wendy from Phoenix Personal Development. And I’ve nearly completed the F45 Challenge (not sure now many dialysis patients with 5% kidney function have done that 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼). I’ve gone from not being able to walk up my front stairs to working out at least five times a week & sometimes up to eight! ⁣⁣

But I didn’t wake up 16 kilograms lighter after a juice detox or a quick fix calories restriction. I didn’t wake up one day and say I’m going to dead lift 30kg. It took time. And it is still a work in progress. The best part about all of this is when my alarm goes off I don’t go “ugh the gym”; I literally jump out of bed & smile because I am healthy enough to go to the gym! Working out & being healthy is a privilege & one I took for granted for many years. ⁣⁣

I’ve had many people asking me for the “secret”⁣⁣ of my weight loss. And I guess there are a few things I’ve learn along the way. ⁣⁣

The biggest thing I’ve learnt is consistency & to set small goals. There is no point waking up one day saying your going to go to the gym seven days a week if you have been in a year! It’s sort of setting yourself up for failure (in my opinion). Start small. Start with one gym session a week or one walk a week or one yoga class a week. Once you had achieved that goal you will feel empowered and inspired and you will naturally start adding in more sessions! ⁣⁣

⁣⁣You also need to find support around you. Be it friends, husbands, families, crèches etc… And everyone’s support system will be different so you will need to find what works for you. ⁣⁣

⁣⁣And finally for me it’s calorie / macro counting. Now I know this isn’t for everyone & I know intuitive eating is a really big things these days… BUT I was obese last year so I guess you could say I wasn’t really very intuitive with my eating 🙈 I enjoy calorie / macro counting because it allows me to make sure I am eating a balanced diet. I also have to watch my potassium, sodium & phosphate intake so recording helps keep all my blood levels stable. ⁣⁣

⁣⁣And finally go gently. This entire journey for me has been about listening to my body and going gently. Sometimes that means having a few days off & other times that means doing two sessions in one day. But I always go gently & treat my body with respect. I think that’s probably enough ramblings for one day 😆 Emmy Xx

On healing my “whole” self…

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

Over the last few years I’ve been working really on healing myself. Not my whole self (my kidney failure isn’t reversible); but my “whole” self. ⁣⁣

I started by increasing my therapy sessions. I spent time before I started dialysis doing lots of mental preparations. Learning how I could manage dialysis when the time came, the unknown of it all, the transplant, death… the works! I also started learning about mindfulness & treating myself with kindness.⁣ Hand on my heart kindness. ⁣⁣

Then slowly I started being mindful with what I ate & started increasing my exercise. Growing up I associated exercise with either winning (highly competitive) or as a punishment to lose weight! I felt like I needed to be “skinny” to be liked. Now I exercise because I can. Because it is a privilege to exercise. I exercise because I want to be strong. I don’t care about “skinny” I just want strength! I want to be able to pick up my children without hurting my back & play in the back yard without running out of breath. You know the everyday things we take for granted when we are healthy. I also know what it is like to be laying in a hospital bed feeling like I was drowning in my own fluid & unable to breathe. That why when my alarm goes off in the morning & I’m physically able to get out of bed, you better believe I go work out! ⁣⁣

I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved because I never imagined I could do it! I thought that I needed to wait until I had my transplant to feel strong. I’ve exceeded my own expectations & I’m stronger than I ever thought I would be. Ready to slay the day 🙏🏻 Emmy Xx

A reflux baby

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

I’ve just started watching “The Cry”… ⁣

I’m only 19 minutes in & wow! ⁣

I never had any post natal depression or anxiety with my first. I really thought I had motherhood figured out. Oliver gave me a false sense of my own ability as mother. ⁣

Then I had a reflux baby. ⁣

This photo of Isla was taken the day we left hospital after weeks in the NICU. Before we knew what reflux was…⁣

I think I’ve actually blocked out that period of time & the extreme sleep deprivation. But these first 19 minutes of “The Cry” have bought back a lot of memories. ⁣

I actually learnt to block out her screams because they were so constant; sometimes she screamed more than she slept.⁣

I remember once mowing the lawn in an attempt to silence her screams. I remember once losing it in the middle of the night & going to sleep in the car with a pillow over my head. I remember once screaming “shut up, just shut up” to a newborn. I remember thinking is this punishment for my first baby being “good?” I remember Isla falling asleep in my bed & waking up worried I had squashed her. Or worse waking up thinking she next to me & she was gone. Either I had put her back in her bassinet or Greg had. ⁣

At the time I didn’t recognise that I cried daily (often along with Isla), or that I blocked out her screams or that a baby who screams ALL day isn’t normal. ⁣

I remember trying to put a screaming, jerking baby in the carrier & at the same time take my 20 month old to swimming lessons. The looks of sympathy / pity from other mothers still etched in my mind. ⁣

I remember once being out for a coffee when Isla was three months old & she didn’t cry. I remember thinking ahhh this is what it is like? Even though I had that with Oliver I had forgotten what a non screaming baby is like. ⁣

It took me eight months before I went & asked for professional help to deal with my emotions. Eight months of saying “I’m fine” & not realising that actually I wasn’t fine. And it’s taken years of therapy to realise that everything I felt, ALL the feelings are 100% okay. ⁣

Motherhood is such a joyous & intense time, it opens you up & exposes your all of your vulnerabilities. It’s the greatest of highs & the lowest of lows. And I’m so grateful for those times because they taught me tolerance, patience & how to give unconditionally love. ⁣

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Emmy Xx

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

If someone had told me five years ago that I would be Kidney Failure in my early thirties I would never have believed them. But when life gives you lemons… You really have a choice. You can screw up your face from those sour little suckers or you can make lemon meringue pie! (Or anything else that tickles ya fancy). ⁣⁣⁣
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I have so many reasons for self sabotage throughout my life, but really my main reason is that fear. That deep fear of actually “making it” & “being successful”. ⁣
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Since starting dialysis in July last year, I’ve really had a change in perspective on life & especially on self care. Most days for me self care is about taking my medications, going to hospital for dialysis or being able to do a workout. Whilst those things aren’t glamours they are allowing me precious days with my children.⁣⁣⁣
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It may seem ironic that I’m making health a priority whilst I’m in organ failure… But the truth is before I started dialysis I was too unwell to do anything. Now everyday I am able to move, I make moving a priority. It’s my non-negotiable self care. Because I know what it’s like not having the energy to be able to move. Nine months ago I couldn’t even walk up a set of stairs without stopping halfway!! So now I know that moving my body is a privilege & one I am incredibly grateful for! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻⁣⁣⁣
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So my lovelies what about you? Emmy Xx

 

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Unplugging

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

My children took these photos of me this afternoon. While I was laying there in the park looking at the trees I was trying to find some peace. Trying to make peace really with my reality, which currently is making me sad & overwhelmed. ⁣

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Whenever I feel like this; anxiety increasing, sadness hanging over my head & just general feelings of “not coping”; I usually try to switch off. Reset. And give myself time, space & kindness. ⁣

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I don’t know if it’s my one year dialysis anniversary looming, this bloody full moon or just a phase but I know I need time. Time to collect my thoughts, time to write & time to treat myself with kindness. ⁣

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I need to slow down. Remove the digital world & just sink into me. Find gratitude & happiness in the everyday. I need to simplify. So if I’ve disappeared for a week or so on here I’m just unplugging, grounded my feet into the sweet earth & trying to treat myself to kindness. ⁣

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Thank you to everyone for all the love. As always your support means the world to me. ✨ Emmy Xx

Anxious Avocados

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

Last night I had a mini anxiety attack over packing avocados for our weekend away. I mean like all true anxiety attacks it’s never actually about the avocados is it? But packing avocados certainly set it off. Now I say mini because I was able to come out of it quicker than normal & remind myself that I am not my anxiety. But like all anxiety attacks I have woken up with that shattered, hungover, vulnerable feeling. ⁣

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Thankfully I’m here at the beach; with the salty sea breeze smacking me back into reality. ⁣

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Last night was a good reminder for me however that despite not having an anxiety attack for ages and despite feeling on top of it all… That anxiety can creep up on you! I should have realised that actually it was creeping up on me because my OCD this past week was a bit out of control; a true sign that things are starting to unravel for me… ⁣

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Having suffered from anxiety on & off for basically my entire life you would think I would be an expert at reading the signs by now… But that’s the thing with anxiety it really can be a bit of a mother ducker 🙄 ⁣

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Time to reset, soak in the sunshine & let the sea do it’s magic healing trick! ⁣

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I used to get worried that my anxiety was negative, however I’ve realised I’m just showing my children that it is ok to experience a wide range of feelings & emotions. I’m hoping that they realise we are all capable of an array of feelings & that our feelings don’t own us. And also that it is ok to have anxiety not something that should be ignore or not talked about. I want them to know that we experience a feeling, we acknowledge it & then we treat ourselves with kindness. ⁣

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Go gently my friends. May your weekend be glorious ✨ Emmy Xx ⁣

I am literally waiting for someone to die so that I can live

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

Chronic illness is all about waiting. Waiting to for appointments, waiting for tests and waiting for results. For me I am waiting to find out if I am in fact even eligible for a kidney transplant. I’ve been waiting to get on the transplant list, waiting until I start dialysis and now that I have started dialysis, I am still waiting… waiting for a kidney. I literally am waiting for someone to die so that I can live. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a pity party. That is the reality of the situation. The blunt reality, but the reality none the less. Those words, ‘I am literally waiting for someone to die so that I can live;’ that very sentence has kept me in therapy for the past 18 months. All the guilt associated with that sentence has resulted in some very sleepless nights. I will say it another way. I will receive an organ, specifically a kidney from someone when they die and then I will live. It is a lot to absorb isn’t it?

And while I wait for this ‘death’ to happen, while I wait for the ‘match’; I have this robot aka the dialysis keeping me alive. My blood (or rather my toxic blood) is leaving my body going through a machine, getting filtered and then returning back to my body all clean and filtered.  I mean I am all for natural medicine-gut-healing-kombucha, organic-kale-chips and hemp-seeds, but they aren’t going to keep me alive. That is the job of modern medicine. Of the robot. Of the dialysis.

And if trying to be a mother, a writer and a dialysis patient isn’t enough to wrap your head around on a daily basis; there is also the whole I am waiting for someone to die so I can live thing going on…

So while on some says I sit and whinge ’cause because my life doesn’t looks as perfect as @WhatEverHerNameIs or that I have cellulite and can’t look as good as @GoodOnYouForBeingSoHealthyAllTheTime, or that the Instagram algorithm is really messed up these days, and no one is organically growing anymore, and my last post didn’t get likes that it should have got, or my last photo doesn’t go with my feed, or heaven forbid I posted and a time when my engagement is low #TheStressesOfBeingAMummyBlogger or my Lightroom app isn’t syncing photos how can I edit all my photos to have the same flow? #FirstWorldMummyBloggerProblems

On other days, I am literally grappling with the notion that in order for me to live without the aid of a machine, I will need someone to die, have registered with DonateLife Australia, have told their family their wishes, have their family respect their wishes, be a positive match; only to then undergo surgery, recieved new said kidney and take medicine for the rest of my life to stop my body rejecting it; oh and have all those nasty side effects of being on anti reception mediation for the rest of my life. #Intense #KidneyFailureProblemsTrumpMummyBloggerProblems

So while I am waiting…I thought why not use this platform to spread awareness of organ donation. Did you know it only takes a few minutes to register to be an organ donor? You can register here. Or that you really do need to tell you family you want to be an organ donor? Before I needed a kidney I didn’t really know those things either. Because hashtag life hashtag live in the moment, hashtag slowdown, hashtag mindfulness, hashtag mumlife were the buzz words I wanted to hear. Now I am all about waiting. I am living and still very much the same person, just with a little change in perspective.  And a lot of guilt. I have so much guilt it can be consuming at times.

But I know one thing to be very true. The day I do get my new kidney, my second life, that day I won’t feel guilty anymore. I won’t feel guilt that someone has died so that I can live. I will feel externally grateful that they took a few minutes to be completely selfless. A few minutes to save someone else life. A few minutes to give me another life; a life to see my children grow up, my husband grow old and to watch my own smile lines thicken with the joys of life. I don’t know much, but I do know that.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart and my two busted up kidneys for all those people who have donated organs in the past and to all of you who are registered to donate. So incredibly grateful.

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Can we go to the Tip Shop?

by emmyoneill, posted in JOURNAL

One of my fondest childhood memories was going to the tip with my Dad on the weekend. I loved it because back in those days you were able to scavenge through the ‘rubbish’ and I would always without fail return with other people’s trash (which naturally become my treasure)!! It’s such a vivid memory and I’m certain that it is where my love for vintage treasures started. I’ve always been a collector, especially of second hard items; I love imagining the life certain objects might have had before me & who might have owned them.

Second hand objects always have a story to tell & as a storyteller I adore that.

I will be honest and say I also feel a bit like I reach ‘eco warrior status’ when I shop second hand shop.  Knowing that I’m the reducing landfill waste by giving objects another life in my home, fills me with a great sense of satisfaction.  Not only am I helping the environment by reducing waste; second hand shopping is also much cheaper… so I am helping my savings as well! #WinWin

 

I often feel so guilty when we go to the tip to drop off our garden waste and see good quality items being thrown into the massive skip bins and then being crushed by the machine. Whilst the kids love it when the machine is out, smashing TV’s and furniture, for me I just find it so wasteful. With de-cluttering and minimalism on the rise (yep we are all Marie Kondo bandwagon jumpers), I think it is really important to also think about where our ‘clutter’ and our unwanted pieces should go. To me there is no point in de-cluttering your life if you are just going to clutter up the world.  If you are a Brisbane local, the Brisbane City Council has recycle collection centres where you can drop off all your usable items (furniture, clothes, home wares etc) to.

A few weekends ago was a motherhood milestone moment for me, as I was able to recreate my own fond childhood memory of ‘tip shopping’ with Isla at the Brisbane City Council’s The Southside Tip Shop.  I’m also hoping that I’ve inspired Isla to love second hand shopping as much as I do!

 

Isla and I picked up some silverware cutlery, embroidered doilies, a basket, a toy ornament teddy for Isla and truck for Oliver and two made in Australia cups for the bargain price of $12!!

I can honestly say I have been second hand shopping for over thirty years and the best tip I have is to arrive early, when the store opens (8am for The SouthSide Tip Shop); otherwise all the bargains will be snapped up by others.  I also think it is easy to be overwhelmed by second hand stores as there really are a lot of items! It’s so important to go in with an open mind and not be searching for something in particular. On the weekend I knew I wanted to get some items for food styling, but I didn’t have anything specific in mind; which made everything I found seem like a bonus!

 

Do you love finding a bargain? What’s your favourite item you have bought second hand?

Emmy Xx

 

This post was written in collaboration with Brisbane City Council, all opinions are the authors own.