I’ve always had the mentally of when life knocks you down you get back up again. I don’t know if that’s because from the moment I arrived in this world I had to fight to be here. I had to fight for my life. I had to fight to be alive. I was born a fighter.
But these last few weeks I’ve got a bit over all of that. Over the fight. Having a chronic illness with no cure only treatments is a constant mental battle of falling down & building yourself back up. And I’ve fallen at the moment. I think it’s because I’m coming to up one year on dialysis next week. That’s over 100 times on the machine. If I being totally honestly with myself I thought I would have a kidney by now. All the doctors keep saying “oh yes your young, with your blood time it will be a short weight time”. Well I have to say it doesn’t feel like a short time. It feels like eternity.
I’ve stopped waiting for my phone to ring. I think I’m now at the point where I think it will never ring. I’m also at the point where I know I shouldn’t whinge as there are many people worse off than me. I’m still alive. I can still do so many things; just not the way I want to do them. Just not on my terms. And I get so cranky & brutally tired. That’s the hardest part; that I don’t get to be the mother I want to be. But again I get to be a mother. So I’m very grateful.
I think the greatest gift I will ever give my children is showing them that no matter what your circumstances, no matter what life throws in your way you can always build yourself back up.
And so. Rock by rock. Moment by moment..Day by day. I start to rebuild. Emmy Xx