Rock by rock. Day by day.

I’ve always had the mentally of when life knocks you down you get back up again. I don’t know if that’s because from the moment I arrived in this world I had to fight to be here. I had to fight for my life. I had to fight to be alive. ⁣I was born a fighter. ⁣

⁣⁣

But these last few weeks I’ve got a bit over all of that. Over the fight. Having a chronic illness with no cure only treatments is a constant mental battle of falling down & building yourself back up. And I’ve fallen at the moment. I think it’s because I’m coming to up one year on dialysis next week. That’s over 100 times on the machine. If I being totally honestly with myself I thought I would have a kidney by now. All the doctors keep saying “oh yes your young, with your blood time it will be a short weight time”. Well I have to say it doesn’t feel like a short time. It feels like eternity. ⁣

I’ve stopped waiting for my phone to ring. I think I’m now at the point where I think it will never ring. I’m also at the point where I know I shouldn’t whinge as there are many people worse off than me. I’m still alive. I can still do so many things; just not the way I want to do them. Just not on my terms. And I get so cranky & brutally tired. That’s the hardest part; that I don’t get to be the mother I want to be. But again I get to be a mother. So I’m very grateful. ⁣

I think the greatest gift I will ever give my children is showing them that no matter what your circumstances, no matter what life throws in your way you can always build yourself back up. ⁣

And so. Rock by rock. Moment by moment..Day by day. I start to rebuild. Emmy Xx

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