Pre-surgery-can’t-sleep-musings.

Pre-surgery-can’t-sleep-musings.

Here is the face of a fighter, a warrior, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife & a friend.

I’ve literally just picked myself up off the bedroom floor. Had my Elizabeth-Gilbert-in-Eat-Pray-Love-sobbing-and-praying-on-the-floor-moment. Praying to God, actually to all the Gods, any God that would listen; knowing that actually that’s not how God works. Please God make tomorrow’s surgery work. Just make it work.

Last week my before surgery I was nervous about getting my AV fistula; mostly because of how ugly it would look. Oh-so vain, but oh-so was true. I was nervous because the fistula symbolised the start of dialysis. It was physical evidence to the outside world that I am sick. That’s the thing with lots chronic illnesses; no one really knows how sick you are…

Now I’m more than nervous. I’m sick to my very core. Please work. I don’t care what it looks like, just work. I’m also nervous because I know deep down this bump in the road is only tiny, but that it has shaken me. And I’m nervous because I know on this road there will be many more bumps. I’ve got to stay strong.

You see, to a patient on or about to start dialysis, an AV fistula in their lifeline. Dialysis isn’t possible without an access point. That access point is the fistula. Dialysis won’t be the cure for my kidney failure; actually there is no cure, only treatment. But dialysis will be my life & my fistula (FiFi the Great) will be my lifeline… all while I wait for a kidney.

Last week I joked that going into hospital was like a little vacay; especially for sleep deprived mamas. And to some extent I’m holding onto my lil joke… I’ll get another general anaesthetic aka worlds greatest sleep! Please know that for me looking on the bright side, making jokes, having a laugh & being positive… that’s helpful for me. But I still get scared. Scared that there is no cure, only treatment. Scared of the unknown. Scared of it not working. Scared of not being able to be a warrior.

I can honestly say that having the incredible support of family, friends & my online village is amazing! I know I’ve got this. I also know it’s okay to be scared. I’m a big believer in finding the beauty amongst that chaos. And two surgeries in a week is definitely chaotic. Looking at a painful scar & seeing beauty well that’s just going to take time.

So here’s the face of a fighter. A warrior, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife & a friend who is genuinely attempting to find beauty amongst the chaos. Sometimes it’s easy. Like right now, middle of the night. I’ve picked myself up off the floor & I’m snuggled between my two babes. Their breathing is completely in sync. Oliver’s leg & Isla’s leg both resting on me. It’s easy to see the beauty. And so tomorrow, when I’m on that cold hospital bed, they are what I am fighting for. I’ve totally got this.

Emmy Xx

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