I’ve been really open with my current struggle about ‘no more babies’. My battle between feeling incredible selfish that ‘wait Em, you already have two beautiful children think of how lucky you are’ vs the notion that there would be more babies. Dealing with the mourning period of no more babies; but more than that; dealing with fact that this decision has been made for me. That it is actually out of my control.
I’ve made a real breakthrough these past few weeks. Now instead of breaking down into a blubbering mess everytime I see a newborn babe in public, (don’t get me wrong I still feel like my ovaries are exploding) but I’m smiling instead of crying. This is good for many reasons, mostly just that now I don’t look like a crazy lady crying in public for no apparent reason. It means I am healing.
Also instead of grieving the fact that Isla is growing up so fast; (let’s be honest she is really a toddler now, not a baby) I’m learning to be really mindful of our time together. I’m rejoicing in watching her learn new words & start becoming independent. Enjoying every last moment of breastfeeding, in case it is the last feed. It’s so beautiful to be present in this moment of motherhood. There are still days when I do feel like everything is on top of me and I have no idea what I am doing; but I’m truly trying & enjoying mindful motherhood.
Today we had our Friday morning mama + daughter coffee date; it was bliss.
Isla, I watched you walk all by yourself to the coffee shop. So proud, not wanting any help or to hold my hand. My heart is filled with pure love knowing that even though you won’t always need me; I’ll always be here, by your side waiting to hold your hand if you ever need.
My darling Isla you are growing everyday into the most beautiful little girl, but don’t forget my sweetheart you’ll always be my baby girl; even when your running the world.